Backstage Entries

Big Time Depression....just around the corner....!!!

I've absolutely nothing original to contribute today...which is becoming more of a habit thesedays...n therefore...for the records...here I am.. neways... nothing much happening in life thesedays...but then again....depends on the way you look at it...work...work..work...taking away most of the time...with little left for any other activity. Lots of things happening around me though. Friend got married...friends getting married..housewarming comming up...I've completed 5 months with my first Organization...n much much more... How fast things change in our lives. It seems like it was yesterday when we used to have those carefree school days when all our concern was to do well in the quarterly tests and annual exams...thoses much awaited evenings...spent playing all sorts of typically kiddish games with friends till dusk...being scolded for coming back late...them came the board exams...then the sudden shift...from a school kid to a college goer...all those gossip sessions that w

He could hear the crowds screaming "crucify" "crucify"... He could hear the hatred in their voices, These were his chosen people. He loved them, And they were going to crucify him. He was beaten, bleeding and weakened... his heart was broken, But still He walked He could see the crowd as he came from the palace. He knew each of the faces so well. He had created them.He knew every smile, laugh, and shed tear, But now they were contorted with rage and anger...his heart broke, But still He walked. Was he scared? You and I would have been, so his humanness wouldHave mandated that he was. He felt alone. His disciplesHad left, denied, and even betrayed him. He searched the crowd for a loving face and he saw very few. Then he turned his eyes to the only one that mattered And he knew that he would never be alone. He looked back at the crowd, at the people who were spittingAt him, throwing rocks at him and mocking him and he knewThat because of him, they would never be

I get a funny feeling, it comes from deep inside. I get all mad and angry, wanting to go and hide. My doctor calls it depression, my dad says it's just me. But the thoughts and feelings, no one will ever be able to see. Some say I'm psycho, some say I'm just weird. It's like I'm a different person, and the old me just disappeared. I get really edgy, I want to commit suicide real bad. Then I get a headache, followed by feeling sad. I wish I could get help, I wish it would go away. Maybe if I keep praying real hard, it will some day.... {Another Cut-Copy-Paste!!}

What is Heights of Depresion???...must be when you know ur depresed and it doesnt matter anymore...on the contrary..it gives you a normal, routine-like feeling..!!! Everyday, I make promises to myself with every intention of keeping them...yet i'm made to realise that i've failed miserably..nothing...nothing I do is done correctly...I'll always be the wrong one because I'm a negative thinker...always coming up with problems and limitation...never solutions...never even appreciting them..!!My actions are wrong..my thoughts are wrong...my thought process is wrong...my beliefs are wrong..my choices..likes and dislikes are wrong..practically speaking...opnions no longer matter..!! What is good about me??? Am I suffocated...??? No...I no longer know how I feel and what I feel...stopped thinking..its easier this way... Am I depressed?? No Angry...?? No Motivated..?? Maybe Happy..?? Dont Know To please everyone is impossible...but, what is a person supposed to do when he/she r

Mondays are supposed to be the longest and dullest one of the whole 7 days...but looking at what I feel today...Tuesday is no better..if not worse. The week itself started horribly...thanks to those darned never-ending, makes-no-sense exel sheets..!!NO...I'm not saying i'm bad at these things...just that some days are bad...when nothing I do would work out...( My boss is a patient man..!! had i been forced to work with dumb people like myself...I would have gone mad ;-) ) Its tuesday...three more days to go...and then..next week...there's another thing coming up...my review with the HR head... God only knows what i'm going to write for my report...showing my activities and learnings..!!! Activities: --Joined Hogwarts Yahoo group...and another couple of communities at Orkut. --Read about 5-6 E-books... --Read J.K Rowling's biography Learnings: --Lots of Exel functions... --Rumors about Harry Potter (7th book) Another thing's that i'm not feeling my very best.

Got some amazing pics...check them out...

Angel's Existing Situation Acts in an orderly, methodical, and self-contained manner. Needs the sympathetic understanding of someone who will give her recognition and approval. Angel's Stress Sources Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and of separation from others. Believes that life still has far more to offer and that she may miss her share of experiences if she fails to make the best use of every opportunity. She therefore pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity and commits herself deeply and readily. Feels herself to be completely competent in any field in which she engages, and can sometimes be considered by others to be interfering or meddlesome. Angel's Restrained Characteristics Wants to broaden her fields of activity and insists that her hopes and ideas are realistic. Distressed by the fear that she may be prevented from doing what she wants; needs both peaceful conditions and quiet reassurance to restore her confidence. Circumstances force her to comp

22nd Aug '06, an ordinary Wednesday...nothing very promising about it...but the good thing is that the week end is just two more days away...!!! This is the way my days..weeks..months fly by...weekdays spent waiting for the weekends...and weekends never seeming to last long enough.This is so much of a contrast from what life @ NIAM was...where even weekdays had the feel of weekends..My Golden Days... Neways...have not done anything very special during the past few days.Had gone home, and, for the first time ,in the past many months dint regret my decision to go to Pantnagar...met a few old friends...slept from morning till evening, blah..blah.. Read a couple of books...finished Deception Point, Nothing Lasts for Ever, The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari...and TheFirm ( few more pages to go)... The highest point had been the discovery of the treasure house of e - books....u name it and I've got it.. ;-) ... Now I wish I get the time to read all those...otherwise...wat a waste... Its b

I'd never even imagined that I'd be sitting here, in my office, and blogging even before the people here found a proper-type place for me to sit and a permanant system for me..!!!I guess that sums it up for me.. Life is fun...busy with nothing to do..!! Had taste of our first " Corporate Party " where people dont do much except smoke and drink...and then smoke more and drink more... Another observation..I dont know if its too early for me to say this but..guess I was a little prejudiced about Delhi, coz now that I been around for a couple of weeks..its seems to be pretty much like any other city, except that its much bigger, more crowded and the places are more confusing.... Not to worry...I'm a fast learner....

Looks like I'm getting in the Habit of getting irregular with something that I'd promised to myself to be regular with... Neways...The War is Still on... Now..to get back to where I'd left...I've finally joined my first job, got my first salary check...Yep..it indeed is a good feeling...this feeling of self reliance and new-found-independence and off course the additional responsiblities that comes along with with it!! The initial days were hectic...shunting from one place to another...somehow, it was all this touring that made me realise that the blissful days of neverending fun n frolicking with buddies have drawn to an end. Had the initial introduction with new collegues and seniors...found them to be warm and friendly...lets hope it lasts..!! The initial impression is that my work place is going to be a fun place and the work challenging.... and I...being me....hav already fallen in love...of sorts...Sigh...!!!

Its been a month since I've been away from the bloggers world....and because of that probably...I feel like i've lost a part of me.. Being back home may feel good is some ways but its equally boring...I'm missing my room No. -6 at Krishna...the Computer Lab....the Roads..the trees...ducks...even those horrible looking kittens!!! in short I"m NOATALGIC ... and since i've nothing better to do now that i'm stuck at Pantnagar....i'm doing something that i like the most...spending the days in my room closed up with my dream..that wud never come true..( Alas...!!!) Harry Potter....and now that i've said this....I'd like to make an honest confession...I'm absolutely smitten..awestruck and ( well...it wont be wrong to say...) obsessed by the magical world of Hogwards...( thanks to J.K Rowling)...n in love with Harry Potter...(sigh!!)...

I came to you the hour I was in pain Looking for answers, I cried to you in vain. I shared the many skeletons hiding in my heart,I knew then you'd be my friend, I knew it from the start. Troubles ran like rivers, flowing through my life, You picked the pieces up and help me through my strife. When home wasn't home to me no more, You opened up your heart, and opened up the door. We cried into night until the early morn. We solaced each other's pain and shared our many thorns. As time flew, the air grew thick, I saw our friendship fading, and my heart grew sick. The day had arrived,When it was time to say goodbye. Now I sit alone,reminiscing the past I'd blown .

Oh gentle winds 'neath moonlit skies, Do not you hear my heartfelt cries? Below the branches, here about, Do not you sense my fear and doubt? Side glistening rivers, sparkling streams, Do not you hear my woeful screams? Upon the meadows, touched with dew, Do not you see my hearts a'skew? Beneath the thousand twinkling stars, Do not you feel my jagged scars? Seek not my mournful heart kind breeze, For you'll not find it 'mongst these trees. It's scattered 'cross the moonlit skies, Accompanied by heartfelt sighs. It's drifting o're the gentle rain, A symbol of my silent pain. It's buried 'neath the meadow fair, Conjoined with all the sorrow there. It's lost among the stars this night, Too far to ease my quiet fright. No gentle winds, seek not my heart, For simply ... it has torn apart.

I've never felt more helpless...Never been more depressed .... Nothing seems to be going right...I'd never realised till date how difficult it is to take personal decisions. I hate myself for procrastinating things like this but I cant seem to help it...guess I'm waiting for something to happen........Someone plz help me... God....are U Listning ....

They say learnings never stop.....but then...the student life does end. The day was as ordinary as any other morning i've seen at NIAM during the past 2 yrs of my stay here. Woke up at 8:30 ( see...i'm trying to reform my habits !!) had my breakfast...came back to my room...and got ready for the Last Class Ever of My Student Life ....it indeed was a weird feeling to realise that we've finally grown past those rosy days of friends frolick and fun...ready to step into the big bad world out there...Not just that...also the realisation that i'd soon be leaving the place i've come to love so much...the people with whom i've spend the past two years doing the expected and the unexpected...made me sad. In the evening, we had our Farewell...could any other day be better suited to mark the end of one chapter and begining of other...It was when I saw everyone on the dance floor I realised how fast time flies...it seems like day befor yesterday when our seniors welcomed in

Been absent from the world for long enough I guess….Well….Jaundice is BAD!!! Never imagined that I’d be spending the last days of my B’School life eating “ Khichdi and boliled potatoes..!!!”…and that too when our oft - abused mess serves good food….really…ask me! Hmmm...so whats been happening all thesedays...well...was down with jaundice, missed a couple of parties where rest of the guys had loads of fun while I was sitting alone in my room...wondering what to do next..:-( , missed 3 of my exams...got news that i passes in 2 subjected which i was earlier misinformed that i'd flunked...(Whew..!!!) the thought of studying Financial Management....that of handling Fin. Mgt by Prasanna Chandra had started giving me nightmares.. What's more...i got the first reply to my posts....which is what made me Happiest...that people read all the nonsense i put up...thnx dear friend... well...that's pretty much the jist of what is happening in my life thesedays....

Funny how one thing can affect our lives so completely....when its not there....we dont miss it ( not exactly...;-) ...just keep fantacising), but when its there...life's bliss, you are all forgiving, the world is so much better... But when things are Not-So-Good....everything seems to be such a waste, people appear to be insensitive and uncaring, nothing seems to be going right, in short, life does not seem to be worth living..!!Unlike the past few days, my life's beautiful, and my days are sunny....and I t Feels Sooooo Goooddd.......

Yesterday....we celebrated the last of the Birthdays @ our Home-Away-From Home..aka NIAM ... Happy Birthday Chinks.... While we were enjoying ourselves..i remembered the first one...Annie's...that was the time when all of us were new to our lil world at Jaipur...little did we know that this would be the place which would hold so many memories for us, the two years which we've spent Partying till dawn, Skipping breakfasts Sleeping till 12,bunking classes, playing games at CC- be it Roadrash, AoE, Solitaire or Sharko, all the cozy talks we've enjoyed at our Rooms..all the "Preperation" before exams....and off course the cooperation..the list is endless.... And now...before we know...it is time to say gud bye... Wont try to put any senti stuff here....just feeling a little nostalgic( already..!!!;-) ) Hope all of us always hold these special memories close to heart.....Do Well in Life Guys.... God Bless !!!

Just musing about how all of us worry about tomorrow... How much easier would it have been for all of us to put our trust on GOd and let him direct us. The few times i've said this to people, couple of them have mistakenly thought that it would be taking the easy way out and countered this by saying " God helps those who help themselves " ...........whatever...!!! is all i can say to that.. on this note...we'll call it a day...keep waiting for my further posts... i've promised myself to be regular... bbye